It is strange to think a word has gone so long without meaning. that a single syllable, so common and used so often could have lacked definition for most of my life. "Loss". The idea, the feeling, things I'd never felt, never even considered, something I didn't know I didn't know. But now, after having experienced it finally, experienced the loss of everything I'd come to depend on. along came with it pain that had never existed before. Pain that lasted so long, that still lasts. I'm now beginning to think that that pain will stay with me forever. I will always feel that loss, it will always be in my heart.
when I was young, I always thought I knew everything, and every time I learned something new, I thought, "well at least now I must know everything" but as I went into college I started figuring out that in fact I knew so little, the world in general was blank to me. the world that I knew was really just a small amalgamation of memories. all taking places in such a minute area, between only a few people. When I went to college I began to learn, when I was in china I learned more, how little I really knew. how small my experience actually was. The world is huge, the things in it are so many.
But nothing I ever learned, compared to what I was introduced to after I lost the person I thought would be my answer to why I was here. a question I've asked all my life. a question I thought had come to an end, I thought I would move on, the beginning of my life had finished. But loss happened, it happened when i didn't expect it, and introduced me to a whole new range of feelings, of what it is to be human. I now appreciate things in a new way, understand pain like never before. But something scares me.
So I've begun to realize that my experience is so small, and I've accepted that I don't know anything of the world I thought was mine. tonight I watched ER, the story was about a woman who's 5 year old son died suddenly with out warning of leukemia. and her life was destroyed. And I couldn't help be feel I understood her pain for what I had gone through, and I hated my self for it. how could losing a girlfriend compare to losing your own son. And as I sat I began to wonder, if this was just my warm up. the pain I have felt, is it just the beginning? how much can life hurt. and can I take it again? can I possibly take anything worse than what I've felt?
I hesitate to say I am recovering. It's the first time in a year, maybe 2 years, that I've felt peace of any kind, that I haven't felt my heart retching inside me at least once a night as I'm falling to sleep. this isn't the first time I've felt like I was doing better, which explains my scepticism, I've had false hope, or perhaps been self deceived.
I now feel forgiveness starting to grow, though it is still a very small seed, no where near ripening. I still think it'll be years before that fruit is ready to be picked. I hope I am finally on the right path, though I can't be sure. But I wonder, will I ever feel this pain again. is there even greater loss in my future. but more importantly, what I'm even more afraid of, will I ever be able to open my heart so wide again? will I ever be able to let someone in again. Will I ever be in a position where that pain can even get to me again, and would it be a greater tragedy to be hurt worse in the future so that it kills me, or never be hurt again.
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