On facebook I have posted my latest status report. it now says "Ian is aware that this is not where he belongs nymore, and is just looking for where he does belong." and yes "anymore" is missing the "a" there as well. this is quit an astounding thing if you think about it. the glory of the internet, and technology that we can broadcast things we would never feel comfortable telling to any but our closest friends. it gives us all the chance to feel what it's like to be a celebrity, that might not talk about his pending divorce, but on camera, with Barbra Walters opposite him, he spills every detail. something about talking to one person is too personal, then you have to deal with them, maybe not understanding, not agreeing, only people who's reaction you can gauge would you normaly feel comfortable saying such personal things about yourself to. but in telling the whole world, you have the protection of the whole world. just as you might be very afraid to come across a single person in a dark ally, if you came upon a milling crowd you would be much less apprehensive.
I have been thinking a lot about my current situation. Dropping out of school for reasons that are so easy to say out loud. yet, I don't know if I really understand them myself. I shudder thinking that I might make a mistake now that could ravage my future.
at the moment I am aware that I am not at home here anymore. as loving as my parents are, and as welcoming as it feels to sit in the living room that has been just next to my bedroom for my entire life, it's not here that I belong anymore. My parents know this, my friends know this, and I certainly know this. As I've continued school this whole time while living at home, it has flown in the face of everyone expectations of me. but of course everyone says that it's fine, if you're in school you just have to do what you have to do, it's normal for people to live with their parents if they need too. and that's fine for them, but it's the opposite of what I saw for myself growing up.
while most people my age have discovered this fact, that they do not belong now in the place where they have always belonged. almost all of them have moved on. even if only to dorm rooms. they have gone on to other cultures, other places where they do belong. with other people who they belong with. I, however, have not moved on, I live every day in a place that is no longer my place, with people who are no longer my people. I think this is why I have left school more than any other reason. I can't keep flirting with this place that could be my place, while still holding fast to my past. Like you can't go on a date with a new girl while still in a relationship, no matter how awful it is, you can't really be with that other person till you have let go of the old one.
I used to think I had found my place of course. When I was with Rye, my ex-girlfriend in china, I though I belonged with her. and I knew that no matter where I was, I would belong there as long as I was with her. and even when I had to come back to the US, and even though we were half a world away, and I wasn't with her physically, I at least made it through each day happy that there was a person out there somewhere that I belonged with, that I would be with again someday. Of course she then dropped my heart into a paper shredder when she left me for another guy, stringing me along for a few months making sure my soul was thoroughly beaten to death before turning me loose.
So now what am I doing? nothing. I'm painting my house, a remnant job that I still need to finish, from back in the days when I was desperately seeking any possible way to make enough money for a plane ticket across the ocean to fix my relationship. I'm looking for work, and looking for a place where I belong. I'm looking for people I belong with. But until then I'm just searching. until then I'm just confused, panicky, scared, in fact I'd say I've never been as scared about anything in my entire life as I have been becomeing these last few weeks.
