somehow in the last year or so, with every thing that has happened, I feel like I've regressed almost completely back to the way I was before going to china.
after I returned from china I was so confident, so strong. I felt totally unstoppable. I no longer had my anxiety stomach aches. I wasn't nervous talking to girls, I didn't need my antidepressant meds anymore, I just felt fantastic. But as one thing happened and another thing, and I started getting more comfortable at home. After i failed at love, dropped out of school only to go slinking back with my tail between my legs because I failed at work, failed at redemption and had my confidence chipped away one event at a time. I soon found I was right back to where I started. My stomach these days screams the whole first week of school, which makes me afraid to eat anything. When I'm in new situations I'm nervous, afraid to speak, don't know what to say. I went back on my anti anxiety stuff to stop the stomach things and it all just feels like China never happened. It feels like everything I went through doesn't count, and the lessons I held so dear have all run out. I was an adult for a while, and now I'm right back to being a kid again.
I'm no less embraced than ever to be living with my parents still. I have no real place in the neighborhood. the people who move in are all young wealthy people, but they are adults, and talk with me as nice neighbors but we all know I'm not gonna be their best friends. All my real friends, my peers are so far away. I see maybe one friend per week, otherwise it's just me and my parents.
But I'm not gonna run away again, not gonna try to get out. Last time i tried that I ended up at a temporary fred meyers job that paid nothing. I'm gonna stay in school till I graduate, then I'll really say good bye, who knows where I'll go, I'd guess china but you can never tell these things this far off.
Love? I'm not looking for love, I think I'll love again when I'm an adult again. When I'm on my own living my own life for real, then maybe I'll find the person I'm meant to be with, but for now I don't believe i could love someone, not in the state I'm in now. I believe in soul mates, but I also believe no matter how right someone is for you, you have to be in the right state of mind and life to see it. I'm not there now, and I won't be any time soon.
