Fear of Death

I'm so stuck these days, inevitably I should have expected that I would start to second guess my plans to go to china, knowing that my intentions weren't the purest. I know that the reason I want to go to china is mostly due to the fact that that's simply the last place I was happy. I know that if I suddenly found a reason to be happy while in the US I may or may not continue with my plans to return to China. but as of yet I have found nothing to make me happy. my life continues to pickle.

Here is why I'm stuck. If I decide to stay here at home, I will be in school for 3 more years before I can graduate. that's three more years of being miles from my friends. and have no connection with anyone. I have had the worst time imaginable here trying to be happy with no friends, while I continually hear stories from my friends via messengers that they have roommates, buddies, and people that they generally get along with. Not that they should feel bad, lord knows the only real interaction I have with friends anymore is from hearing their stories typed out on my screen.

I can't really say that my mental health will hold up much longer, and I can't imagine I could make it 3 more years. But if I decide to move out it would be maybe 4 or 5 years, due to having to get a job to pay for school and a place to live. and I would probably end up working at a shitty job, like the one I'm working now, at Fred Meyers, everyday doing mindless meaningless work, and of course I would have to stick with that job much longer as well, since have no college education, and even if I did that, and moved out, how am I supposed to know if I will actually find friends that I can really hang out with at that point?

which has left me with China. I'm going to a rather remote province of china, a place where I may not have all that much access to any americans, or native english speakers. But there's one thing I'm sure of, I will have friends, even if they are just people who like me based solely on the fact that I'm white, and american. strangers will talk to me on the street, people will smile, they will want to buy me lunch and hear what life is like in America. If I do see another white person I might call out to them and we'll be so happy to see each other we'll exchange phone numbers even though we know nothing about each other.

In china, I will be a celebrity. but the fear remains, that just because people want to be with me then, will I be happy? when I get home I'll have the same problems, be it in 1 year or 2 or 3, the problems of having no meaningful job, of having to pay for school and a place to live. all that remains. and what if I get to china and it's not what I hoped, what if I'm not happy there?

I know that I haven't really been happy since the day i left China. it's been down hill ever since then, and i have no idea what I'm doing in my life now. I have no direction. I have no joy. I'm not excited about anything in my life. I'm not looking forward to anything.

I remember when I was in high school, there was a point where I lost my fear of death. I just realized I could turn it off. I wasn't afraid to die in the least. But I was afraid of so many other things. I was faced with social anxiety so bad that I couldn't leave my house without sever stomach aches rocking me all morning. school was a nightmare for me. I couldn't talk to girls, couldn't stand up for myself to bullies, but I wasn't afraid to die, that's for sure.

then in China, I met Rye, the person i loved more than anything I'd ever loved. and instantly I had a sudden fear instilled in me, I knew I didn't want to die. I suddenly started being afraid that I might die someday and would miss out on all the joy that was gushing through my heart. I suddenly became tense in cars. watched more carefully as I crossed the street. Also, at this time, i lost my anxiety. my stomach aches went away for the first time in 6 years. for the first time I was medication free. it was the most happy I'd ever been in my life.

when my relationship with Rye ended, I wanted to die, I wanted to just end it. and I began pretending to kill myself a lot, shooting myself in the head and stuff. but the thing was I couldn't shake that fear of death. and finally I realized, through a few actions, that my life was important to me, that I cared deeply to continue living.

that was about 6 months ago, but just this month I started to realize again that my fear of death has disappeared. I'm not suicidal, not so miserable, so hateful towards life that i would end mine. I just feel numb, feel like I'm back to my old self again. this week on the first day of my new job marked the triumphant return of my anxiety and sever stomach pains. I stock shelves while cringing. and have to keep moving cause if I stop it makes my stomach worse.

I work with a bunch of people who seemed to never have had lofty dreams, or at least they've given up on them, and everyday I come home to my own disappointments. So china is my last ditch effort. I so want to be happy again. And here I'm just so stuck between what seem like insurmountable problems to ever be happy.