A Change

Sorry, that last post got away from me, I got lost in a tangent and never found my way back. As I was saying.

Fall arrived today. I stepped outside my door, on the way to the store to return some videos. My nose picked it up at the same time as my skin felt it brushing by. Not simply cold, but brisk, not simply the wind, but the spice carried through it, so light. it grips your whole body for a moment, saying it's hello, a surprise hug from an expected but forgotten relative. the first wind of the season, pregnant with the promise of winter on it's way.

I almost considered going back inside to grab my jacket, sure it wouldn't be the first time I'd put on a jacket this week, but as I said, it wasn't simply cool, it was Fall. I decided I would drink in the first day without my jacket, still wearing cargo shorts. I got in the car, the cool imitation leather further enveloping the pleasant chill.

My nose sniffed wildly when I got out of the car at the video store, embracing it's old friend, those smells you can't remember till you are reintroduced. that felling that it gives so far beyond words. It's curse, that curse, indescribability.

I smiled, suddenly relived. These days, life has felt so still. each day I sit at my computer, monotonously filling out job application after job application. each day seems basically the same, I get very little exercise since my ankle is injured. I've spent days in a row without leaving my house, with out feeling the world around me. and it has weighed heavily on me.

I've felt so stuck in the mud, so trapped by circumstance. No job, no school, no plans, no hope, I've felt my self collapsing not into dramatic depression, just a numbness of life. no meditation, no peace, I relax constantly, so that there is no relaxation to be had, I haven't slept, I haven't done anything.

this is what I thought as I returned the videos, before I got back in the car I stopped for a moment feeling the wind. And this, it felt, was proof, that even if I didn't know it, the world would continue. no matter how stuck I felt, things were always moving, and even I would not be stuck for ever. I pulled out my key clicking the button to unlock the door.

"tonight I'll go for a walk" I said to myself. it was finally the season for contemplation, it was finally the season for walking. Summer days have always been the days where I walk long and far with my friends, exploring and talking about the world, and ourselves. but Fall, Fall nights, late after everyone has gone to bed. after people have all put out their garbage, and the latest of nigh owls have all walked their dogs, I walk alone. to the northwest, past the church, past the school, into the soccer field and I sit, and listen. I listen to the change, the leaves falling, the fruit rotting. If a person sees me in the night, which almost never happens, we recognize each other, and steer away, we both recognize the fragile nature of the night we are sharing.

so tonight it will happen, tonight late, maybe 2am. I'll get on my warm clothes, and strap on my ankle brace, and take my rout, walk my labyrinth, and feel the change that has happened, tis the season of transformation. It is time to learn, time to grow, and time to age, so that when their seasons come, death and rebirth are prepared. The rites begin tonight.