Hate

The other day Rye's boyfriend, the guy she cheated on me with, sent me a friend request on facebook. I mustered every bit of evil I'd experience in the last 2 yeas and sent it in the form of a private message. The problem was my heart wasn't in it. After 2 years of grinding an ax to bury in his scull the first chance I got, I found I didn't have the hate I used to have. I wasn't as angry as I had been. I still sent the message, as I felt I somehow owed it to all the pain I'd dealt with over this time, owed it to my past self. But I didn't really mean what I said, even if I wished I did.

Rye then responded with an end to our friendship. I responded with some mean words again, and now it seems I've finally managed to make her hate me. I guess I didn't really realize that had been my goal for so long, not until it finally happened. I feel like the cartoon dog who's been trying to kill the cartoon cat his whole life, and then when he finally succeeds, he is surprised to feel like a murderer.

But I don't feel that bad. I'm sad for the relationship I killed with Rye again. But it was already dead. I'll be sad for a day or two maybe, but in the end I'm not going to hurt like I used to, I'm not going to die again, I'm stronger than that now, and I made peace with Rye already.

In talking with Rye I found peace, I found a little bit of understanding, but also discovered that I shouldn't need to understand what happened to give forgiveness, I shouldn't need to understand what happened to move on. I realized that Rye will never know why she did what she did because she doesn't want to, and so she would never be able to tell me. I can't spend my whole life waiting to know before I can move on.

These last few months were big for me getting back on track in school finally, coming to peace with my past, and letting go of the things that were holding me back.

So now there is a person that is in the world that hates me. I think she is the first, maybe other people have been annoyed by me, maybe they thought I was pompous, or naive, or over zealous, but she's the first to truly hate me, and it doesn't feel good, but I'm at peace with it, I accept it. I no longer have the fear like I had for so long that I am unlovable, I no longer fear the future and what new pain it will bring, I accept what is headed my way seen or unseen. I am stronger now, and I am finally putting my past away.