A year after I stopped talking with Rye, almost to the day, she got in contact with me again. It seams that when you are on facebook then decide to cancel your account, your profile is saved. So if you come back years later and reinstate your profile it'll still be there waiting for you with all your old friends and all your old history.
When I finally broke ties with Rye I erased her from everything, her pictures, her messages, removed her from messenger. But I didn't delete her as a friend on facebook because at the time she had canceled her profile. So a year later suddenly I started getting her status updates.
I was in the midst of camp so I wasn't checking the computer all that often but when I saw her profile again I was shocked to say the least, it was like a ghost had suddenly appeared on the screen. Within moments I immediately deleted her and all was fine despite the fact that I spent a day feeling like shit.
But a few days later, I got a friend request and it was her, asking to be friends with me, I spent another day agonizing over what I should do, I didn't think it was a good idea to be friends with her and yet I felt like I really really wanted to click yes. And in the end my curiosity won out, and I added her again as a friend. Actually I felt really relieved after that, I didn't talk with her for quite some time, camp ended and all I had asked her was why she added me as a friend, her response was “because you deleted me”
That was fine for a while, but as time went on and things in my personal life got a little hectic old memories started being drummed up, and I started feeling very angry towards her again, I was getting so sick of these old scars jumping in and ruining my life, I was getting sick of feeling so hurt all the time, and so one night, I just wrote her an e-mail, not a pleasant e-mail, but an e-mail.
we sent unpleasantries back and forth a little until finally we started getting into why all this had come about. I asked her how she could do something like that to me, how she could hurt me like she did.
She said she was sorry, kinda, not really, but talked about being young and stupid and wishing she could have done things differently. But more than that she said this. (pardon her English, it's her second language and was texted via phone, so it's a mix of text speech, typos and funky grammar.
“Tianyi (that's me) i didn't leave u for anybody else but myself! it might sound crazy, but I would have been damaged if i didn't. Remember how we had a fight the nite Tina's (her friend) dad treated us 2 the hotpot (dinner). I feel like ur a virus spreading into every single bits of my life. I was scared and didn't know what i wanna do. Its not that i didn't want u 2 be part of my life. but ur jus so overwhelming!instinctively i wanna resist! it got worse after u went back US, its almost like im living my life for u! it wasnt what i can handle, u know that. “
now for one this is the most she's ever given me as far as a reason for why things happened they way they did, I responded that if she had told me this back then I could have tried to change, I would have listened to her, or at the very least she could have just broken it off with me if she was so unhappy, I mean anything would have been better then her cheating on me and dragging me along for 3 months.
But more importantly than that, it really throws something in my face, something I've become aware of to a point, that is I do do that, I try to control people, I do want to be all encompassing in the lives of the girls I date, I get overly attached too quickly I suppose and eventually I suffer a lot for it. To be fair it's gotten way worse after the whole thing with Rye, because I've gotten so paranoid, and so terrified thinking any girl could do that again, especially since in my head I was always thinking that somehow I'd done something to drive her away and I didn't know what it was so I was sure I would do it again, and to a large degree that does tend to happen, I do drive girlfriends away.
But this is important to me now because for the first time I feel like I have a clear view of what is wrong with me, and it gives me something to actually work on. I mean, I am a passionate person, I like to get excited and dive into things that interest me, and maybe that's great for things like traveling, where I can just jump into a new country with both feet and just love it to death, and maybe that's great for things like cooking, where I can spend days at a time perfecting some intensely difficult recipe or cooking technique that most people never try. I an eccentric and powerful and I boulder through things if they give me trouble, and that's how I really come to get totally enmeshed and excited in things. But I need to learn to resist that when I am with a girl.
This is highly important because I like strong girls, I like women who have strong opinions and strong minds. Women who are brave and powerful, and obviously those are not the type of girl to just stand being bowled over by my ambitions. Namely my ambitions to fall hopelessly in love. That is going to scare girls like that especially, I think the kind of girl who just stands there at takes it, the kind of girl who would just be knocked over then get towed behind me as I go on my path, that is not the kind of girl I want, it's not who I'm going to love.
So what now? I'm not super happy at this point in my life, this loneliness thing is something I've got to deal with, not just that I have no girlfriend, but also simply the fact that I have no close friends to hang out with. I'm learning to be ok with that. I want a girlfriend, but I don't know if any relationship I try for is going to work if I don't get to know that over powering part of me more, and keep it in check when it starts to go crazy. So now, I'm in stasis. But for the first time I honestly feel like there's some kind of path for me, for the first time since the shit with Rye hit the fan I actually feel like I can finally see the purpose to it all. I can finally see the lesson that is available for me to learn for all this, and finally see how this can make me stronger if I let it and that's so much more than I've had up till now when all I saw was senseless useless pain.
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