I miss China, I miss it so much. I miss the people, the culture. I miss walking down a street surrounded by sky scrapers and cars, and know that where I walk now is where people were walking over 5,000 years ago. I miss wandering through a city and discovering the core from which it sprang, which is usually a small community of houses, so small, with paths far to narrow for cars, made of brick and mud constructed so long ago, yet still standing, and still being lived in today.
I miss being gawked at while I walk down the street simply because I'm white. I miss going into small villages where strangers ask to take their picture with you. I missing being loved. I love, the pain, the fear the adventure. But also, the people. People who are joyful. still young as far as the modern world is concerned, but on the edge of greatness. I miss it all. and I've missed it all the more these days
I began reading "The Good Earth" a wonderful novel written in the 30's set in rural china. Pearl S. Buck, the author, painted such a beautiful and true to life picture of Chinese culture, and it reminded me so much better than anything I've seen in a while of exactly what it is to be in china, that I suddenly had a flood of memories, and feelings, and I felt so strongly that I was away from my home.
When I finished the book, the next day I went and finaly watched the video of the Beijing Olympics opening ceremonies. and boy, I was crying so hard. not only because I missed it, which was probably part of it. but also out of pride, out of the strength of it all. Because on the face of every Chinese person I saw a sense of joy. They were so proud to be just one of the 50,000 people in the event, they were so happy to volunteer, to give everything to make their country great.
I got choked up from time to time watching the amazing artistic part of it all, but really started to cry when china entered the stadium, and people who had been cheering for so long, and been sitting in their chairs for hours, who were all tiered, and hot, suddenly rose up, with all the pride of a nation that has worked so hard for so long, for over 50 years, to get to this one moment. That's when the tears really started to roll.
But finally, when the little boy was introduced. The boy who had been in his school in sichuan when the building collapsed. He was one of only 10, out of 30 students who lived. he scraped and dug his way out of the wreckage and when he was finally free, he didn't run off. this little 9 year old boy stayed, and started digging out his classmates. and when they asked him "why did you go back to help the others" he said "in my school, I am a hall monitor, so I had to go back, it was my duty" god I started just sobbing.
I lived in Sichuan for over 5 months, and of all the places I traveled to while I was in china, Sichuan was the only one I made my home. When the earthquake hit just a few months after I'd come back to the US, I felt so helpless. I heard from people I had considered my friends and family that were now homeless, who couldn't find family members, who continued to feel aftershockes for months after the event, and each time they thought they were about to die. I watched on tv as I saw places I had walked, places I had loved that were nothing but rubble. I wanted so much to go to sichuan, if I had had money I would have gotten the first flight to china, and worked as hard as I possibly could to save people, to rebuild buildings. help people find homes. And I've never gotten over that, I guess they call it survivors guilt. When the people you love are dieing, and you are sitting at home, watching it on the news, sitting on your comfortable couch, and no one around you could possibly understand because none of them know what it's like to see their home destroyed.
When the boy was introduced, I began to cry so hard , so passionately, for this little boy who had done everything that I couldn't. I was so proud of him, I was so moved. and still, if I just think about it, I well up again.
as all these things have come together I have decided it's time for me to go back to china. As soon as I can get a job, which is taking forever, I will save all the money I make this year, and next year I will go back. probably for a year, but I may consider staying longer than that when the time comes to make that choice.
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