why I picked psychology

Questions, questions, my life for a question. I love questions, I love to think. I love to explore and understand new things. I want to know things, but not simply to know them, but participate in the joy of coming to know them. At the very base of my life I have one question. and that question has always caused my problems cause to look at it at a glance it's easy to take it as a paradox, but it's not.

I want to know, the question. I want to understand what it is that I want to know. the question I ask is "what is this burning quandary inside me, that has been smoldering in my gut for so long?" it's pushed me forward, begged me to massage it, use it, understand it, but I can't, every time I try to put it into words, they fail, every time I try to find it, it vanishes. Like an itch on the palm of your hand, that you can never scratch, that is never in the spot where your claws search.

so I simplify it down so far that it loses all meaning. I say "I'm looking for the truth" but that makes so little sense, or maybe it makes too much sense, it's a cliche that so many people have heard. It's something a hippy says while he's high. it makes sense to everyone who hears it, and to each, a different sense is arrived at. with all that sense flying trough people's heads from these words, I don't think they ever hear what I really mean.

when I went into college this was the question that drove me to pick philosophy as my degree, because then, as now, I really only needed this question asked, and answered, I didn't care for the question of career, the question of money, or food, though now I begin to understand maybe all those things together have an impact. Maybe even every little thing has an impact on the answer to this question.

but if I digress into that line of thought I'll just mentally masturbate all over the key board, and nothing will be communicated, it only makes sense to me.

After doing philosophy for a while, I went to china, then came back and found so many little answers had been answered but the big one was no closer. Only perhaps that it was stronger now. when I cam back to philosophy I studied and went to classes. and became more and more disgruntled with my class mates. who rather than wanting to understand my question, or help me answer it, or being much help at all, they took my inquiries and ideas as academic, rather than spiritual, they chose, to combat me on the definitions of my phrases, the grammar of my work. rather than trying to understand they chose to argue.

I realized the academic world was designed in such a way that this was considered noble, to argue, till and answer was found. but this seemed so harsh to me. like using a shovel to excavate a fossil when one should be simply blowing away the dirt with their own breath. I wasn't looking to win, wasn't looking to prove, the truth was inside me, I was just trying to understand.

I decided that Philosophy wasn't for me. I had other things to worry about. I found the question was appeased the more I learned, the more I experienced. when I was traveling around china living out of my suit case, there was a time I thought the question had been answered. though I realized it wasn't that it had been answered, but just that I had found a way to lay comfortably with it.

now when I work at Fred Meyer's, the question surges painfully up inside me. it haunts me. it asks me "why have you stopped investigating me" it hurts very much. But I promised it I would get back to it in the winter term, when I go back to school, and that appeased it for a while longer.

so why psychology? because psychology, as I'm just now understanding, is about understanding. you are not yelling at someone telling them "no you're wrong, you should stop being depressed because of this logically laid out argument I've written, I have proven myself there for you are clearly wrong" that's absurd. psychology is about understanding a person, gently brushing them this way and that, hoping they can take a step in the right direction.

the part of me that asks "the question", is the human part of me, not the one that asks about logic, that asks about math. it doesn't care about science, or about the evolutionary reasons to do anything. it cares about the pain of life. about art, about god, or no god, about life and death, poetry. it is understanding the world of emotion, that massive piece of humanity that makes us who we are. all separate and all together.

Hppiness Slowly Returns

It is strange to think a word has gone so long without meaning. that a single syllable, so common and used so often could have lacked definition for most of my life. "Loss". The idea, the feeling, things I'd never felt, never even considered, something I didn't know I didn't know. But now, after having experienced it finally, experienced the loss of everything I'd come to depend on. along came with it pain that had never existed before. Pain that lasted so long, that still lasts. I'm now beginning to think that that pain will stay with me forever. I will always feel that loss, it will always be in my heart.

when I was young, I always thought I knew everything, and every time I learned something new, I thought, "well at least now I must know everything" but as I went into college I started figuring out that in fact I knew so little, the world in general was blank to me. the world that I knew was really just a small amalgamation of memories. all taking places in such a minute area, between only a few people. When I went to college I began to learn, when I was in china I learned more, how little I really knew. how small my experience actually was. The world is huge, the things in it are so many.

But nothing I ever learned, compared to what I was introduced to after I lost the person I thought would be my answer to why I was here. a question I've asked all my life. a question I thought had come to an end, I thought I would move on, the beginning of my life had finished. But loss happened, it happened when i didn't expect it, and introduced me to a whole new range of feelings, of what it is to be human. I now appreciate things in a new way, understand pain like never before. But something scares me.

So I've begun to realize that my experience is so small, and I've accepted that I don't know anything of the world I thought was mine. tonight I watched ER, the story was about a woman who's 5 year old son died suddenly with out warning of leukemia. and her life was destroyed. And I couldn't help be feel I understood her pain for what I had gone through, and I hated my self for it. how could losing a girlfriend compare to losing your own son. And as I sat I began to wonder, if this was just my warm up. the pain I have felt, is it just the beginning? how much can life hurt. and can I take it again? can I possibly take anything worse than what I've felt?

I hesitate to say I am recovering. It's the first time in a year, maybe 2 years, that I've felt peace of any kind, that I haven't felt my heart retching inside me at least once a night as I'm falling to sleep. this isn't the first time I've felt like I was doing better, which explains my scepticism, I've had false hope, or perhaps been self deceived.

I now feel forgiveness starting to grow, though it is still a very small seed, no where near ripening. I still think it'll be years before that fruit is ready to be picked. I hope I am finally on the right path, though I can't be sure. But I wonder, will I ever feel this pain again. is there even greater loss in my future. but more importantly, what I'm even more afraid of, will I ever be able to open my heart so wide again? will I ever be able to let someone in again. Will I ever be in a position where that pain can even get to me again, and would it be a greater tragedy to be hurt worse in the future so that it kills me, or never be hurt again.

Fall

I felt really good today. just really at peace with the world in general. Last night I went to a party and go to see a lot of people that I haven't seen since this summer. and this morning I woke up really revitalized and feeling good. I spent the day just hanging out, I listened to NPR for a while, and to my pod casts, the best one being a teaching by one of my favorite Buddhist teachers, it felt so good to hear one of his sermons again.

after that I went out to take pictures, I got a bunch of really nice ones of all the fall colors, it was just so pretty today, then I came home and spent a few hours just listening to jazz on the radio and posting my pics on facebook. finally my mom asked if I wanted to go to the Jazz service with her at church, my church has an amazing jazz service every sunday at 6 pm, with some of the best jazz musicians in the country, that come to play music at our church, tonight there were no more than 20 people there so it feelt like a really intimate concert. but it's a church service too, and there's just something about hearing the pastor speaking from the pulpit, that makes me feel all warm and happy. after that me and my mom went out to dinner, I had mussels and beer, and when I got home I just started talking with a friend or two and writing this.

It has just felt good these days, I haven't been panicking about everything in the world, I generally know what I'm going to be doing the next little while, and I feel comfortable with my life finally. I felt really happy today for the first time, and I'm really glad I seem to have bounced back from the crap I was dealing with.

changed my mind

Well it finally happened, in some way I guess I always thought it would. it was in the back of my head, I've decided not to go to china next year. I've decided not to move out of my house, I've decided to go back to school and just finish it up, which may take 3 years or so. I know this is the right choice because as soon as I made it I was instantly relived. I suddenly relaxed. I don't regret this break I've taken from school this term because it gave me a chance to step back, see things in a bit of prospective. and also got a view of my life if I decided not to do college. Fred Meyer is a short lived piece of my life that I will be glad to leave behind, I'm gonna quite when school starts again for the winter term in January.

I do feel bad that I have to stay with my parents for the next 3 years or so, but I had a really long conversation with my mom the other night and it put things in prospective. One thing I realized when my mom was telling a story about my dad. I realized that if I had stayed in school, I could have graduated by now. and it sucks to know that, and if I decided not to go back to school, in 3 years I would be just as unhappy and stuck as I feel now, and I would still be saying, "if I had just stayed with it I could be done by now." so I just have to suck it up, live with my parents for a few more years. I can feel it's the right path though, as long as i haven't graduated I'll always feel like I'm living in limbo. the whole time I was in china I would be feeling the pressure of school on my back. China, and the job, were just ways of running away, they were just a quick way to happiness that wouldn't have really made me happy.

I'm gonna change to a psychology major, because I know that I want to help people in my life, and that i could easily be happy in one of the avenues in which psychology can be used to help people. at some point I think I would like to go forward with a masters or PhD, and become a therapist in some capacity. Though I don't think i would jump ahead with graduate school right after i finished school, I would probably get a job and find a way to continue with school after I had worked for a while. these are all just Ideas I've had, and for the first time in a long time I am thinking about and actually caring about my future in a positive way.

so I feel better at the moment, I'm not so terrified anymore. I feel confident in my choice for the first time in a long time. I still have problems for sure, but they seem so much more manageable now. I think I'm gonna be ok.

Fear of Death

I'm so stuck these days, inevitably I should have expected that I would start to second guess my plans to go to china, knowing that my intentions weren't the purest. I know that the reason I want to go to china is mostly due to the fact that that's simply the last place I was happy. I know that if I suddenly found a reason to be happy while in the US I may or may not continue with my plans to return to China. but as of yet I have found nothing to make me happy. my life continues to pickle.

Here is why I'm stuck. If I decide to stay here at home, I will be in school for 3 more years before I can graduate. that's three more years of being miles from my friends. and have no connection with anyone. I have had the worst time imaginable here trying to be happy with no friends, while I continually hear stories from my friends via messengers that they have roommates, buddies, and people that they generally get along with. Not that they should feel bad, lord knows the only real interaction I have with friends anymore is from hearing their stories typed out on my screen.

I can't really say that my mental health will hold up much longer, and I can't imagine I could make it 3 more years. But if I decide to move out it would be maybe 4 or 5 years, due to having to get a job to pay for school and a place to live. and I would probably end up working at a shitty job, like the one I'm working now, at Fred Meyers, everyday doing mindless meaningless work, and of course I would have to stick with that job much longer as well, since have no college education, and even if I did that, and moved out, how am I supposed to know if I will actually find friends that I can really hang out with at that point?

which has left me with China. I'm going to a rather remote province of china, a place where I may not have all that much access to any americans, or native english speakers. But there's one thing I'm sure of, I will have friends, even if they are just people who like me based solely on the fact that I'm white, and american. strangers will talk to me on the street, people will smile, they will want to buy me lunch and hear what life is like in America. If I do see another white person I might call out to them and we'll be so happy to see each other we'll exchange phone numbers even though we know nothing about each other.

In china, I will be a celebrity. but the fear remains, that just because people want to be with me then, will I be happy? when I get home I'll have the same problems, be it in 1 year or 2 or 3, the problems of having no meaningful job, of having to pay for school and a place to live. all that remains. and what if I get to china and it's not what I hoped, what if I'm not happy there?

I know that I haven't really been happy since the day i left China. it's been down hill ever since then, and i have no idea what I'm doing in my life now. I have no direction. I have no joy. I'm not excited about anything in my life. I'm not looking forward to anything.

I remember when I was in high school, there was a point where I lost my fear of death. I just realized I could turn it off. I wasn't afraid to die in the least. But I was afraid of so many other things. I was faced with social anxiety so bad that I couldn't leave my house without sever stomach aches rocking me all morning. school was a nightmare for me. I couldn't talk to girls, couldn't stand up for myself to bullies, but I wasn't afraid to die, that's for sure.

then in China, I met Rye, the person i loved more than anything I'd ever loved. and instantly I had a sudden fear instilled in me, I knew I didn't want to die. I suddenly started being afraid that I might die someday and would miss out on all the joy that was gushing through my heart. I suddenly became tense in cars. watched more carefully as I crossed the street. Also, at this time, i lost my anxiety. my stomach aches went away for the first time in 6 years. for the first time I was medication free. it was the most happy I'd ever been in my life.

when my relationship with Rye ended, I wanted to die, I wanted to just end it. and I began pretending to kill myself a lot, shooting myself in the head and stuff. but the thing was I couldn't shake that fear of death. and finally I realized, through a few actions, that my life was important to me, that I cared deeply to continue living.

that was about 6 months ago, but just this month I started to realize again that my fear of death has disappeared. I'm not suicidal, not so miserable, so hateful towards life that i would end mine. I just feel numb, feel like I'm back to my old self again. this week on the first day of my new job marked the triumphant return of my anxiety and sever stomach pains. I stock shelves while cringing. and have to keep moving cause if I stop it makes my stomach worse.

I work with a bunch of people who seemed to never have had lofty dreams, or at least they've given up on them, and everyday I come home to my own disappointments. So china is my last ditch effort. I so want to be happy again. And here I'm just so stuck between what seem like insurmountable problems to ever be happy.

my career

In the great world of personality tests my favorite one ever is the meyers briggs personality test. I took it a long time ago and it breaks you down into a 4 letter label. I am an INFP, this is what it says about INFPs and they're career choices.

"The INFP is a special, sensitive individual who needs a career which is more than a job. The INFP needs to feel that everything they do in their lives is in accordance with their strongly-felt value systems, and is moving them and/or others in a positive, growth-oriented direction. They are driven to do something meaningful and purposeful with their lives. The INFP will be happiest in careers which allow them to live their daily lives in accordance with their values, and which work towards the greater good of humanity."

I just got a job working at fred meyers, and now I can't sleep. I can't help but see very clearly that this job doesn't matter a bit to anyone. I'm not going to quit though, I definitely need this job if I'm ever going to get to do what I really want to do. at this point I'm planning on going back to china again. and I need the money to do that. but for now it really sucks. I feel like I'm gambling with my soul. Every so often they tell me a story about some person who thought they were just gonna work there for a little while then ended up staying for 20 years and became the manager of the whole Oregon division of stores. which scares the crap out of me. Even if I became the fucking CEO, I know I would look at my life as the biggest let down, I would hate my self if I ended up there for that long.

but nothing has really started yet, right now they're just doing training. today i sat in a freezing cold room smaller than my own room in my house, with 6 other people, with fluorescent lights and no windows, for 5 hours. I'll do the same thing on saturday interrupted tomorrow with a practice shift where I'm buddied up with one of the people who works there now. I can feel my insides melting away while I sit in that room. feel the compromise I'm making just by being there. I know it will be better when I'm actually out working instead of just learning the rules of the company. Being told that what you are doing is super important over and over, when you know for sure that it is not, makes you feel really bad, it feels like it's cheapening the word "important" and you realize why people seem so confused when you say you want to do something important in your life. it's so clean, so sanitary, so empty.

when I got home I immediately started cooking dinner for myself, I was desperate to be creative, I needed to make something to clean myself of the conformity I'd been forced to swallow all day. being told "you don't get to have an effect on these people you will be in contact with every day, you are only a good employee if you do exactly what we tell you. just surrender yourself to being our tool" it makes me want to scream.

I can't sleep still now. it's ok if who ever is reading this wants to stop, there's nothing more important for me to say, I just feel like I need to get all this out. I was so disappointed to not get the job at the after school program with campfire. I would have lived and died for that job. that's why I love working at camp, I love making kids better, having them learn from me, and maybe in a little small way becoming better. I can only be happy when I am effecting the world around me. Teaching is one major way to do that.

I just keep feeling like I an continuing to make bad choices, like i can't stop making bad choices and my life is falling apart because of it. It would be easy to say that it all started when my relationship with Rye fell apart. it wasn't just that I loved her, it was that I thought things were figured out. I knew what I was going to do. I was going to marry her, i was going to travel around the world with her forever. I knew that for sure. and I was so happy. I could smile, I could laugh with her. My heart was just so full. But when I felt things slipping away, and I was desperately trying to cling to every thing I'd had. my heart started draining. so it started to feel like a raisin like an old empty bag. covered in stretch marks and aching. and though it has shrunk, close to it's original size now. it still hurts, it's still not as strong. It's wrinkled and used now.

at camp it wasn't as clear. Because I loved my friends, loved my kids, I didn't feel so bad. but now that camp is over and I'm just getting back to normal life where people don't really care about each other, where the most important thing you can do is lift a box in your safety zone. my heart is vacant again, and hurting again. I know my life will never be the same as it was before I met Rye, I'm not the same person anymore, and sometimes I'm really afraid that I won't ever be as happy as I used to be.

I'm headed towards this great unknown now. this massive future full of doubt, full of fear and self loathing. I hate the whining I do, I hate the self pity. I am afraid to just go numb, try and ignore where I'm at, I know people who have done something they hated just for a little while because they had to, and to cope they just went numb, then they didn't really care anymore and they thought it would be easier to just stay where they are. and even if I don't stay there, I'm still afraid of getting to good and numbing my self at all. I wonder if it will just be better for me to stay completely aware of how much it hurts working there every day, so that when i leave I will still have my ability to feel, and see the world around me as great, or awful, depending.

This night I walked

The unphased moon was shining through condensated air. wind blew the terrestrial clouds past me, lunar light projecting them down at my feet with . I couldn't stand, so i walked. slowly and constantly I walked. My shoes squeaked. Right, squeak, left squeak. the only sound or moment in the entirely translucent fog drenched world. each street was an enclosed mystery, each intersection a portal primal with possibility. My feet hurt, my knees ached. the black shadows of white cats danced motionlessly to my silent song. I wanted to shout "god damn, it's fucking beautiful" but I merely whispered under my breath "God..." and stopped because I found that was enough. every tree broke the shimmering atmosphere into beams, it was a night of halos.

This night, I walked.