Fear of Death

I'm so stuck these days, inevitably I should have expected that I would start to second guess my plans to go to china, knowing that my intentions weren't the purest. I know that the reason I want to go to china is mostly due to the fact that that's simply the last place I was happy. I know that if I suddenly found a reason to be happy while in the US I may or may not continue with my plans to return to China. but as of yet I have found nothing to make me happy. my life continues to pickle.

Here is why I'm stuck. If I decide to stay here at home, I will be in school for 3 more years before I can graduate. that's three more years of being miles from my friends. and have no connection with anyone. I have had the worst time imaginable here trying to be happy with no friends, while I continually hear stories from my friends via messengers that they have roommates, buddies, and people that they generally get along with. Not that they should feel bad, lord knows the only real interaction I have with friends anymore is from hearing their stories typed out on my screen.

I can't really say that my mental health will hold up much longer, and I can't imagine I could make it 3 more years. But if I decide to move out it would be maybe 4 or 5 years, due to having to get a job to pay for school and a place to live. and I would probably end up working at a shitty job, like the one I'm working now, at Fred Meyers, everyday doing mindless meaningless work, and of course I would have to stick with that job much longer as well, since have no college education, and even if I did that, and moved out, how am I supposed to know if I will actually find friends that I can really hang out with at that point?

which has left me with China. I'm going to a rather remote province of china, a place where I may not have all that much access to any americans, or native english speakers. But there's one thing I'm sure of, I will have friends, even if they are just people who like me based solely on the fact that I'm white, and american. strangers will talk to me on the street, people will smile, they will want to buy me lunch and hear what life is like in America. If I do see another white person I might call out to them and we'll be so happy to see each other we'll exchange phone numbers even though we know nothing about each other.

In china, I will be a celebrity. but the fear remains, that just because people want to be with me then, will I be happy? when I get home I'll have the same problems, be it in 1 year or 2 or 3, the problems of having no meaningful job, of having to pay for school and a place to live. all that remains. and what if I get to china and it's not what I hoped, what if I'm not happy there?

I know that I haven't really been happy since the day i left China. it's been down hill ever since then, and i have no idea what I'm doing in my life now. I have no direction. I have no joy. I'm not excited about anything in my life. I'm not looking forward to anything.

I remember when I was in high school, there was a point where I lost my fear of death. I just realized I could turn it off. I wasn't afraid to die in the least. But I was afraid of so many other things. I was faced with social anxiety so bad that I couldn't leave my house without sever stomach aches rocking me all morning. school was a nightmare for me. I couldn't talk to girls, couldn't stand up for myself to bullies, but I wasn't afraid to die, that's for sure.

then in China, I met Rye, the person i loved more than anything I'd ever loved. and instantly I had a sudden fear instilled in me, I knew I didn't want to die. I suddenly started being afraid that I might die someday and would miss out on all the joy that was gushing through my heart. I suddenly became tense in cars. watched more carefully as I crossed the street. Also, at this time, i lost my anxiety. my stomach aches went away for the first time in 6 years. for the first time I was medication free. it was the most happy I'd ever been in my life.

when my relationship with Rye ended, I wanted to die, I wanted to just end it. and I began pretending to kill myself a lot, shooting myself in the head and stuff. but the thing was I couldn't shake that fear of death. and finally I realized, through a few actions, that my life was important to me, that I cared deeply to continue living.

that was about 6 months ago, but just this month I started to realize again that my fear of death has disappeared. I'm not suicidal, not so miserable, so hateful towards life that i would end mine. I just feel numb, feel like I'm back to my old self again. this week on the first day of my new job marked the triumphant return of my anxiety and sever stomach pains. I stock shelves while cringing. and have to keep moving cause if I stop it makes my stomach worse.

I work with a bunch of people who seemed to never have had lofty dreams, or at least they've given up on them, and everyday I come home to my own disappointments. So china is my last ditch effort. I so want to be happy again. And here I'm just so stuck between what seem like insurmountable problems to ever be happy.

my career

In the great world of personality tests my favorite one ever is the meyers briggs personality test. I took it a long time ago and it breaks you down into a 4 letter label. I am an INFP, this is what it says about INFPs and they're career choices.

"The INFP is a special, sensitive individual who needs a career which is more than a job. The INFP needs to feel that everything they do in their lives is in accordance with their strongly-felt value systems, and is moving them and/or others in a positive, growth-oriented direction. They are driven to do something meaningful and purposeful with their lives. The INFP will be happiest in careers which allow them to live their daily lives in accordance with their values, and which work towards the greater good of humanity."

I just got a job working at fred meyers, and now I can't sleep. I can't help but see very clearly that this job doesn't matter a bit to anyone. I'm not going to quit though, I definitely need this job if I'm ever going to get to do what I really want to do. at this point I'm planning on going back to china again. and I need the money to do that. but for now it really sucks. I feel like I'm gambling with my soul. Every so often they tell me a story about some person who thought they were just gonna work there for a little while then ended up staying for 20 years and became the manager of the whole Oregon division of stores. which scares the crap out of me. Even if I became the fucking CEO, I know I would look at my life as the biggest let down, I would hate my self if I ended up there for that long.

but nothing has really started yet, right now they're just doing training. today i sat in a freezing cold room smaller than my own room in my house, with 6 other people, with fluorescent lights and no windows, for 5 hours. I'll do the same thing on saturday interrupted tomorrow with a practice shift where I'm buddied up with one of the people who works there now. I can feel my insides melting away while I sit in that room. feel the compromise I'm making just by being there. I know it will be better when I'm actually out working instead of just learning the rules of the company. Being told that what you are doing is super important over and over, when you know for sure that it is not, makes you feel really bad, it feels like it's cheapening the word "important" and you realize why people seem so confused when you say you want to do something important in your life. it's so clean, so sanitary, so empty.

when I got home I immediately started cooking dinner for myself, I was desperate to be creative, I needed to make something to clean myself of the conformity I'd been forced to swallow all day. being told "you don't get to have an effect on these people you will be in contact with every day, you are only a good employee if you do exactly what we tell you. just surrender yourself to being our tool" it makes me want to scream.

I can't sleep still now. it's ok if who ever is reading this wants to stop, there's nothing more important for me to say, I just feel like I need to get all this out. I was so disappointed to not get the job at the after school program with campfire. I would have lived and died for that job. that's why I love working at camp, I love making kids better, having them learn from me, and maybe in a little small way becoming better. I can only be happy when I am effecting the world around me. Teaching is one major way to do that.

I just keep feeling like I an continuing to make bad choices, like i can't stop making bad choices and my life is falling apart because of it. It would be easy to say that it all started when my relationship with Rye fell apart. it wasn't just that I loved her, it was that I thought things were figured out. I knew what I was going to do. I was going to marry her, i was going to travel around the world with her forever. I knew that for sure. and I was so happy. I could smile, I could laugh with her. My heart was just so full. But when I felt things slipping away, and I was desperately trying to cling to every thing I'd had. my heart started draining. so it started to feel like a raisin like an old empty bag. covered in stretch marks and aching. and though it has shrunk, close to it's original size now. it still hurts, it's still not as strong. It's wrinkled and used now.

at camp it wasn't as clear. Because I loved my friends, loved my kids, I didn't feel so bad. but now that camp is over and I'm just getting back to normal life where people don't really care about each other, where the most important thing you can do is lift a box in your safety zone. my heart is vacant again, and hurting again. I know my life will never be the same as it was before I met Rye, I'm not the same person anymore, and sometimes I'm really afraid that I won't ever be as happy as I used to be.

I'm headed towards this great unknown now. this massive future full of doubt, full of fear and self loathing. I hate the whining I do, I hate the self pity. I am afraid to just go numb, try and ignore where I'm at, I know people who have done something they hated just for a little while because they had to, and to cope they just went numb, then they didn't really care anymore and they thought it would be easier to just stay where they are. and even if I don't stay there, I'm still afraid of getting to good and numbing my self at all. I wonder if it will just be better for me to stay completely aware of how much it hurts working there every day, so that when i leave I will still have my ability to feel, and see the world around me as great, or awful, depending.

This night I walked

The unphased moon was shining through condensated air. wind blew the terrestrial clouds past me, lunar light projecting them down at my feet with . I couldn't stand, so i walked. slowly and constantly I walked. My shoes squeaked. Right, squeak, left squeak. the only sound or moment in the entirely translucent fog drenched world. each street was an enclosed mystery, each intersection a portal primal with possibility. My feet hurt, my knees ached. the black shadows of white cats danced motionlessly to my silent song. I wanted to shout "god damn, it's fucking beautiful" but I merely whispered under my breath "God..." and stopped because I found that was enough. every tree broke the shimmering atmosphere into beams, it was a night of halos.

This night, I walked.

A Change

Sorry, that last post got away from me, I got lost in a tangent and never found my way back. As I was saying.

Fall arrived today. I stepped outside my door, on the way to the store to return some videos. My nose picked it up at the same time as my skin felt it brushing by. Not simply cold, but brisk, not simply the wind, but the spice carried through it, so light. it grips your whole body for a moment, saying it's hello, a surprise hug from an expected but forgotten relative. the first wind of the season, pregnant with the promise of winter on it's way.

I almost considered going back inside to grab my jacket, sure it wouldn't be the first time I'd put on a jacket this week, but as I said, it wasn't simply cool, it was Fall. I decided I would drink in the first day without my jacket, still wearing cargo shorts. I got in the car, the cool imitation leather further enveloping the pleasant chill.

My nose sniffed wildly when I got out of the car at the video store, embracing it's old friend, those smells you can't remember till you are reintroduced. that felling that it gives so far beyond words. It's curse, that curse, indescribability.

I smiled, suddenly relived. These days, life has felt so still. each day I sit at my computer, monotonously filling out job application after job application. each day seems basically the same, I get very little exercise since my ankle is injured. I've spent days in a row without leaving my house, with out feeling the world around me. and it has weighed heavily on me.

I've felt so stuck in the mud, so trapped by circumstance. No job, no school, no plans, no hope, I've felt my self collapsing not into dramatic depression, just a numbness of life. no meditation, no peace, I relax constantly, so that there is no relaxation to be had, I haven't slept, I haven't done anything.

this is what I thought as I returned the videos, before I got back in the car I stopped for a moment feeling the wind. And this, it felt, was proof, that even if I didn't know it, the world would continue. no matter how stuck I felt, things were always moving, and even I would not be stuck for ever. I pulled out my key clicking the button to unlock the door.

"tonight I'll go for a walk" I said to myself. it was finally the season for contemplation, it was finally the season for walking. Summer days have always been the days where I walk long and far with my friends, exploring and talking about the world, and ourselves. but Fall, Fall nights, late after everyone has gone to bed. after people have all put out their garbage, and the latest of nigh owls have all walked their dogs, I walk alone. to the northwest, past the church, past the school, into the soccer field and I sit, and listen. I listen to the change, the leaves falling, the fruit rotting. If a person sees me in the night, which almost never happens, we recognize each other, and steer away, we both recognize the fragile nature of the night we are sharing.

so tonight it will happen, tonight late, maybe 2am. I'll get on my warm clothes, and strap on my ankle brace, and take my rout, walk my labyrinth, and feel the change that has happened, tis the season of transformation. It is time to learn, time to grow, and time to age, so that when their seasons come, death and rebirth are prepared. The rites begin tonight.

Truth, Philosophy, Religion

Life is bearing down on me, it can feel so heavy at times, as the supports you've lived under all your life one by one disappear and you finally have to bear the weight on your own. When you realize just how heavy life really is, it's terrifying.

It always shocks me when I see people taking life so lightly, perhaps they're just putting on airs, but this thing, life, is deadly, life kills, like a bullet. there is no other thing in the world so ensured. No other thing in the world has a 100 percent mortality rate. yet there are so many people who treat it with so little respect.

The world is so full of people who are afraid, and most of all what they are afraid of is fear it's self. they build huge houses, large cities, learn to fight, learn to shoot. people get rich, buy clothes, and accessories for purely social reasons. all to protect themselves. all this excess, it's not the work of humanity, this is animalistic at it's basest form. simply living to live, living to avoid death. go and fend of the inevitable.

my favorite philosopher, Nietzsche believed that people always lived this way, that there was no escape from our animal selves, and no actions existed but those in the pursuit of power. the pursuit of security. the only chance he saw for escape was in what he called the "super man" a person who defines his own morality, rather than living by the rules of his genetics. But Nietzsche never said such a man really existed. But in fact that ubermench does exist.

the thing is, each one of us has this in us, that which is truly human above animal. that which would risk one's own life for a stranger, that which would weep at a painting when no one is around. That, is what I call faith.

faith is not what so many cynical people believe it is. it is not the dumbing down of the analytical mind. My ability to question and challenge is exactly what give me my faith. it is not ignoring truth simply to cling to a political or social structure, that does exist, and again that is the same animal activity as all the others, simply wishing for your self to survive, by protecting the system that protects you. But it is absurd to call Christians or any other religious people 'stupid' for doing this, because the only reason any person would need to decry another person's beliefs is to protect your own. So you believe in evolution? well evolution doesn't believe in you. If you need to get in a fight about weather evolution exists or not, what are you really fighting about? Then it is just two people fighting to protect their own beliefs, this is because weather evolution exists or not has nothing to do with how many people believe it. it doesn't need to be defended, it would survive with out you. the only thing at risk is the belief. so why criticize a person saying "you stupid people, and your stupid beliefs, you are wrong and I am right" no matter what you defend, you are still just a dog fighting with other dogs for a bone.

don't confuse what I say with philosophy, philosophy is the act of pursuing logic to a conclusion. and it can always be disputed. I don't like Sartre, I don't like Plato, I love Nietzsche, and all that really doesn't matter at all. Because very few of these people set out to write philosophy. they felt something and had to get it out. they published papers because they had seen that which is truly human, they had caught a glimpse of it, that which is indescribable. then they spent their lives learning how to describe the indescribable with logic. and it became fodder for the intellectual wars that continued ever after in universities, amongst people less smart than the authors, and following the wrong train of thought to ever understand them.

so, what am I saying? I'm saying, if you disagree with me, then you have misunderstood me. if you quote a statement and tell how this does not make sense, then you have miss defined my words, and misinterpreted my metaphors. I say this is true now, and true of most philosophers you have ever read. because, in fact, all philosophers, all poets, all religious texts have said the same thing all through eternity, even when they were saying the complete opposite of each other. Logic cannot describe what philosophy reaches to describe. it cannot be used to understand religion, or literature or art. these things are all those things that make us profoundly human, profoundly other than beast. It's like trying to understand french with a Chinese dictionary. or even more, it is like trying to understand french with an apple.

home sick for a foreign place

I miss China, I miss it so much. I miss the people, the culture. I miss walking down a street surrounded by sky scrapers and cars, and know that where I walk now is where people were walking over 5,000 years ago. I miss wandering through a city and discovering the core from which it sprang, which is usually a small community of houses, so small, with paths far to narrow for cars, made of brick and mud constructed so long ago, yet still standing, and still being lived in today.

I miss being gawked at while I walk down the street simply because I'm white. I miss going into small villages where strangers ask to take their picture with you. I missing being loved. I love, the pain, the fear the adventure. But also, the people. People who are joyful. still young as far as the modern world is concerned, but on the edge of greatness. I miss it all. and I've missed it all the more these days

I began reading "The Good Earth" a wonderful novel written in the 30's set in rural china. Pearl S. Buck, the author, painted such a beautiful and true to life picture of Chinese culture, and it reminded me so much better than anything I've seen in a while of exactly what it is to be in china, that I suddenly had a flood of memories, and feelings, and I felt so strongly that I was away from my home.

When I finished the book, the next day I went and finaly watched the video of the Beijing Olympics opening ceremonies. and boy, I was crying so hard. not only because I missed it, which was probably part of it. but also out of pride, out of the strength of it all. Because on the face of every Chinese person I saw a sense of joy. They were so proud to be just one of the 50,000 people in the event, they were so happy to volunteer, to give everything to make their country great.

I got choked up from time to time watching the amazing artistic part of it all, but really started to cry when china entered the stadium, and people who had been cheering for so long, and been sitting in their chairs for hours, who were all tiered, and hot, suddenly rose up, with all the pride of a nation that has worked so hard for so long, for over 50 years, to get to this one moment. That's when the tears really started to roll.

But finally, when the little boy was introduced. The boy who had been in his school in sichuan when the building collapsed. He was one of only 10, out of 30 students who lived. he scraped and dug his way out of the wreckage and when he was finally free, he didn't run off. this little 9 year old boy stayed, and started digging out his classmates. and when they asked him "why did you go back to help the others" he said "in my school, I am a hall monitor, so I had to go back, it was my duty" god I started just sobbing.

I lived in Sichuan for over 5 months, and of all the places I traveled to while I was in china, Sichuan was the only one I made my home. When the earthquake hit just a few months after I'd come back to the US, I felt so helpless. I heard from people I had considered my friends and family that were now homeless, who couldn't find family members, who continued to feel aftershockes for months after the event, and each time they thought they were about to die. I watched on tv as I saw places I had walked, places I had loved that were nothing but rubble. I wanted so much to go to sichuan, if I had had money I would have gotten the first flight to china, and worked as hard as I possibly could to save people, to rebuild buildings. help people find homes. And I've never gotten over that, I guess they call it survivors guilt. When the people you love are dieing, and you are sitting at home, watching it on the news, sitting on your comfortable couch, and no one around you could possibly understand because none of them know what it's like to see their home destroyed.

When the boy was introduced, I began to cry so hard , so passionately, for this little boy who had done everything that I couldn't. I was so proud of him, I was so moved. and still, if I just think about it, I well up again.

as all these things have come together I have decided it's time for me to go back to china. As soon as I can get a job, which is taking forever, I will save all the money I make this year, and next year I will go back. probably for a year, but I may consider staying longer than that when the time comes to make that choice.

Where do I belong

On facebook I have posted my latest status report. it now says "Ian is aware that this is not where he belongs nymore, and is just looking for where he does belong." and yes "anymore" is missing the "a" there as well. this is quit an astounding thing if you think about it. the glory of the internet, and technology that we can broadcast things we would never feel comfortable telling to any but our closest friends. it gives us all the chance to feel what it's like to be a celebrity, that might not talk about his pending divorce, but on camera, with Barbra Walters opposite him, he spills every detail. something about talking to one person is too personal, then you have to deal with them, maybe not understanding, not agreeing, only people who's reaction you can gauge would you normaly feel comfortable saying such personal things about yourself to. but in telling the whole world, you have the protection of the whole world. just as you might be very afraid to come across a single person in a dark ally, if you came upon a milling crowd you would be much less apprehensive.

I have been thinking a lot about my current situation. Dropping out of school for reasons that are so easy to say out loud. yet, I don't know if I really understand them myself. I shudder thinking that I might make a mistake now that could ravage my future.

at the moment I am aware that I am not at home here anymore. as loving as my parents are, and as welcoming as it feels to sit in the living room that has been just next to my bedroom for my entire life, it's not here that I belong anymore. My parents know this, my friends know this, and I certainly know this. As I've continued school this whole time while living at home, it has flown in the face of everyone expectations of me. but of course everyone says that it's fine, if you're in school you just have to do what you have to do, it's normal for people to live with their parents if they need too. and that's fine for them, but it's the opposite of what I saw for myself growing up.

while most people my age have discovered this fact, that they do not belong now in the place where they have always belonged. almost all of them have moved on. even if only to dorm rooms. they have gone on to other cultures, other places where they do belong. with other people who they belong with. I, however, have not moved on, I live every day in a place that is no longer my place, with people who are no longer my people. I think this is why I have left school more than any other reason. I can't keep flirting with this place that could be my place, while still holding fast to my past. Like you can't go on a date with a new girl while still in a relationship, no matter how awful it is, you can't really be with that other person till you have let go of the old one.

I used to think I had found my place of course. When I was with Rye, my ex-girlfriend in china, I though I belonged with her. and I knew that no matter where I was, I would belong there as long as I was with her. and even when I had to come back to the US, and even though we were half a world away, and I wasn't with her physically, I at least made it through each day happy that there was a person out there somewhere that I belonged with, that I would be with again someday. Of course she then dropped my heart into a paper shredder when she left me for another guy, stringing me along for a few months making sure my soul was thoroughly beaten to death before turning me loose.

So now what am I doing? nothing. I'm painting my house, a remnant job that I still need to finish, from back in the days when I was desperately seeking any possible way to make enough money for a plane ticket across the ocean to fix my relationship. I'm looking for work, and looking for a place where I belong. I'm looking for people I belong with. But until then I'm just searching. until then I'm just confused, panicky, scared, in fact I'd say I've never been as scared about anything in my entire life as I have been becomeing these last few weeks.