Monday, October 24, 2011
I'm in China
Hello, if you came to this sight looking for the blog "Wander Sage" about my travels in China starting Nov. 2nd 2011, then you are in the wrong place. To view that blog please continue on to http://sagewanders.blogspot.com/
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
New Blog
hey everyone who ever read this blog, check out my new blog WITH PICTURES! at http://watercolorpanda.blogspot.com/
Monday, December 6, 2010
I'm trying something new at the moment, I'm thinking about starting a new blogspot blog with pictures that I draw from MS Paint. We'll see, I'm just posting here to see how it'd look.
then here is some more text about some interesting thing and then I'll put another picture but this will just be the same picture
Thursday, September 2, 2010
The New Blog
Hey there I know it's been quite a while since I posted anything but I got myself a fancy new tumblr account where I'm starting a new blog. Here's the address.
http://wandersage.tumblr.com/
hope you guys who have read this blog will enjoy my new one as well thank you all for reading.
http://wandersage.tumblr.com/
hope you guys who have read this blog will enjoy my new one as well thank you all for reading.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
The End
I have decided that this blog was created as a method for hashing out the story of Rye. To deal with the hurt and pain that came from that, to simple digest the enormous weight that it left in my gut. But I think that the story is pretty much over, I've gotten through the most of it and there isn't much left to talk about. I've decided it's time to end this blog, and to put all that I went though behind me. I'm gonna start a new blog in a little while, a blog with more purpose, about something that I have a lot of passion about, but when that will start depends largely on how much school work and work work I have this coming term. When it's up and running I'll post the link here so you all can find it, but until then this blog is closed. Thanks to everyone who ever read on of my depressing or confusing posts, it was knowing that someone was reading this that I felt motivated to write when I did.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Response to abusive e-mails
Rye's boyfriend has been sending me a lot of letters lately, won't stop sending them actually, one after another telling me to kill myself, making fun of me for living at home, going into the details of how exactly she cheated on me including what they did and where they did it. I was ignoring them for quite a while, but finally wrote this response
Alright Luke, I suppose persistence pays off.
You know I have been wondering why over and over you keep sending me these letters. I've wondered why it is that my opinion about your relationship has been so important to you. What exactly do you get out of this. I've got two theories. 1 you feel threatened, you are scared by the fact that Rye has been keeping things from you so you're trying to figure out everything you can. I've been there, I know how that feels to know there are secrets that she is refusing to tell. It hurts, I remember. It makes you lash out anyway you can. and since I'm the clearest cause of your problems, I'm the easiest one to attack, I accept that, i accept your pain, if you ask me I deserve it.
the other theory though is that I think you are an excelent manipulator, you know what is going on, you can feel it. So you are grasping at anyway to keep Rye loving you. You know that when I attack you, she raises the "luke" flag as high up the flag pole as she can, she does nothing but sing your praises. When she is defending you deep in her heart she shows nothing but devotion to you. as you felt her slipping away these past few weeks or months perhaps it is when I attacked you with that letter that you felt the first feelings of renewed attachment from her in a very long time. And you know, it doesn't really bother me any more. I'm happy to let her go, and happy to let you go.
Did you ever watch those cartoons when you were a kid, where the cartoon Cat is always trying to kill the cartoon mouse? That cat just chases that mouse his whole life, all he wants to do is kill it any way he can, devising all sorts of methods from TNT to anvils. There is the one episode though where the cat finally kills the mouse, and suddenly the cat is struck by remorse, suddenly the cat realizes he's become a murderer, he had no idea it was what he was becomeing but it's what he's become non the less. (of course the mouse isn't really dead, he's just fakeing and the episode usually ends with a renewed vigor on the part of the cat to kill the mouse again)
You see I realize now that I've been trying to get rye to hate me for a long time, I didn't even know that was my goal until it finally happened. Now she hates me and I find with that I've let go of all the hate I ever had. i remember when we were going through our breakup, and I was so angry, so sad, and I would just yell at her for hours. I told her that I just hate her, I hated her so much and I remember she said "that's ok, you've given me all your love, now, give me all your hate" it took a couple years but I see now I have given her all my hate because I have non left. But now like that cat I feel shame and guilt, I never wanted to kill the innocent kindness, the limitless compassion that I always felt Rye had, but now I think I have, I think I did something that i will regret forever, though I also think it was inevitable, as long as I had that hate I would always be trying to give it to her.
I'll give you what you want though, I'll tell you what happened.
6 months ago Rye showed up on my facebook account, I immidiatly unfriended her, but she was persistent and finally I accepted her friend request. I was terrifyied, I didn't know what to do because suddenly all that anger that had been burried deep inside me welled up. Luckily I had friends and family around to support me, but still it was hard I didn't know what to do. when we started talking I was very abusive. I yelled at Rye a bit, asked her why things had happened the way they had, but of course those things didn't get manny answers, Rye is a strong person, and she will do anything to protect herself. But over time we started haveing good conversations. we started talking about what had happened and it really gave me a lot of perspective, I came to a lot of peace that had been missing in my life because of this unfinished business.
Until now I just thought that Rye was also dealing with unfinished business, I just assumed it was about her and me and us trying to let go of the past, I had no idea you two were having problems though I suppose there were a few conversations that we had that could have clued me in to that if I'd payed attention. I'm looking through the chat history now.
when I asked if she loved you she said "I don't know if I know what love is" you know that evasive way she answers questions when she is ashamed of the truth. when i asked if she had ever truely loved me she said "I know there will always be a part of me that loves you" (when she said that to me it made me so angery, I couldn't believe she would dare say that to me. I'd spent so long trying to forget she existed and then suddenly here she was telling me she still loved me, bringing up all those old feelings, I was in a bad way for a few days after that conversation) I asked "do you think you will marry him" she said she doesn't know if she ever wants to get married. when I asked if she had thought she was going to marry me, she said yes. When I asked if you knew she was talking to me she said "yes, I think he's not very happy about it" funny how even in that lie she seemed to know what she was doing would hurt you if you knew.
in that letter you sent me Rye said that "one day I was bored so I got in contact with Ian" it's interesting how both of you claim the only reason that you sought me out was that you were bored. If you truly believe that the only reason you wanted to talk with me was because you were bored then certainly I understand how you could believe that the only reason Rye would want to talk with me was cause she was also just bored one day, and that's all. if that's true then great, no worries.
did Rye ever tell you about the fotune teller? the Chinese astrologer who told her that she shouldn't fall inlove before she turned 23? I never really believed in that stuff, but I do wonder if I've played the demon that was supposed to rise up from such behavior. She's 21 now, 2 years to go, I hope you guys make it.
so you've sent me 6 or 7 e-mails in the last half hour or so, telling me to kill myself, insulting me, begging me to write you. You know I read the first few as they came in, while I've been writing this, and they really hurt, honestly made my heart beat fast, made my hands shake, all that stuff. The middle batch lost their bite, I guess I felt a kind of immunity at that point you just saying the same things over nd over. the last couple though, they've just made me laugh, not laughing at you, again like I said I understand attacking me, it's not ridiculous or crazy, it's normal, and I accept it.
I laughed because I suddenly realized it wasn't effecting me. I finally got that all those words no longer hurt like they would have just a few months ago, You said you were having sex while I was calling Rye, crying on the phone, man that sucks, that really hurts, but it's not that bad. You tell me you went to qing chen shan? man that was a really important place for me and Rye, it was the first time I knew I really loved her, and it really sucks that she took you there, but it's not killing me, it's not hurting me anymore, it's not great, but it is just fine, and to be fine with that, to be ok with all these things that you're telling me, it's the surest sign that I've ever had that I'm truly moving past this, that I won't have my life defined by what happened with me and Rye, and that's the best I've felt in a very long time. For that I want to thank you, I know it wasn't your intention, but I do want to say thank you, not sarcastically, not because I want to get a rise out of you, but because honestly I believe that you have helped me more than anyone else could have. you've played an integral part in me becoming a caring confident man again.
I meant it what I said before, I do hope you and Rye can be happy, Rye deserves to be happy after what I've put her through. And again I want to say she is welcome to contact me any time she wants, not because I need to talk with her, but because if I banish her from my life I know I'll never be able to hold on to peace. I can't stand the idea that there is anyone out there that I refuse entry into my life.
if you continue to send me messages I'll read them probably at first, but if the content doesn't change I'll probably just start deleting them, they become boring if they never change, I could block you and block rye, but like I said, I'm not interested in kicking people out of my life.
May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you have peace, may you feel loved
Alright Luke, I suppose persistence pays off.
You know I have been wondering why over and over you keep sending me these letters. I've wondered why it is that my opinion about your relationship has been so important to you. What exactly do you get out of this. I've got two theories. 1 you feel threatened, you are scared by the fact that Rye has been keeping things from you so you're trying to figure out everything you can. I've been there, I know how that feels to know there are secrets that she is refusing to tell. It hurts, I remember. It makes you lash out anyway you can. and since I'm the clearest cause of your problems, I'm the easiest one to attack, I accept that, i accept your pain, if you ask me I deserve it.
the other theory though is that I think you are an excelent manipulator, you know what is going on, you can feel it. So you are grasping at anyway to keep Rye loving you. You know that when I attack you, she raises the "luke" flag as high up the flag pole as she can, she does nothing but sing your praises. When she is defending you deep in her heart she shows nothing but devotion to you. as you felt her slipping away these past few weeks or months perhaps it is when I attacked you with that letter that you felt the first feelings of renewed attachment from her in a very long time. And you know, it doesn't really bother me any more. I'm happy to let her go, and happy to let you go.
Did you ever watch those cartoons when you were a kid, where the cartoon Cat is always trying to kill the cartoon mouse? That cat just chases that mouse his whole life, all he wants to do is kill it any way he can, devising all sorts of methods from TNT to anvils. There is the one episode though where the cat finally kills the mouse, and suddenly the cat is struck by remorse, suddenly the cat realizes he's become a murderer, he had no idea it was what he was becomeing but it's what he's become non the less. (of course the mouse isn't really dead, he's just fakeing and the episode usually ends with a renewed vigor on the part of the cat to kill the mouse again)
You see I realize now that I've been trying to get rye to hate me for a long time, I didn't even know that was my goal until it finally happened. Now she hates me and I find with that I've let go of all the hate I ever had. i remember when we were going through our breakup, and I was so angry, so sad, and I would just yell at her for hours. I told her that I just hate her, I hated her so much and I remember she said "that's ok, you've given me all your love, now, give me all your hate" it took a couple years but I see now I have given her all my hate because I have non left. But now like that cat I feel shame and guilt, I never wanted to kill the innocent kindness, the limitless compassion that I always felt Rye had, but now I think I have, I think I did something that i will regret forever, though I also think it was inevitable, as long as I had that hate I would always be trying to give it to her.
I'll give you what you want though, I'll tell you what happened.
6 months ago Rye showed up on my facebook account, I immidiatly unfriended her, but she was persistent and finally I accepted her friend request. I was terrifyied, I didn't know what to do because suddenly all that anger that had been burried deep inside me welled up. Luckily I had friends and family around to support me, but still it was hard I didn't know what to do. when we started talking I was very abusive. I yelled at Rye a bit, asked her why things had happened the way they had, but of course those things didn't get manny answers, Rye is a strong person, and she will do anything to protect herself. But over time we started haveing good conversations. we started talking about what had happened and it really gave me a lot of perspective, I came to a lot of peace that had been missing in my life because of this unfinished business.
Until now I just thought that Rye was also dealing with unfinished business, I just assumed it was about her and me and us trying to let go of the past, I had no idea you two were having problems though I suppose there were a few conversations that we had that could have clued me in to that if I'd payed attention. I'm looking through the chat history now.
when I asked if she loved you she said "I don't know if I know what love is" you know that evasive way she answers questions when she is ashamed of the truth. when i asked if she had ever truely loved me she said "I know there will always be a part of me that loves you" (when she said that to me it made me so angery, I couldn't believe she would dare say that to me. I'd spent so long trying to forget she existed and then suddenly here she was telling me she still loved me, bringing up all those old feelings, I was in a bad way for a few days after that conversation) I asked "do you think you will marry him" she said she doesn't know if she ever wants to get married. when I asked if she had thought she was going to marry me, she said yes. When I asked if you knew she was talking to me she said "yes, I think he's not very happy about it" funny how even in that lie she seemed to know what she was doing would hurt you if you knew.
in that letter you sent me Rye said that "one day I was bored so I got in contact with Ian" it's interesting how both of you claim the only reason that you sought me out was that you were bored. If you truly believe that the only reason you wanted to talk with me was because you were bored then certainly I understand how you could believe that the only reason Rye would want to talk with me was cause she was also just bored one day, and that's all. if that's true then great, no worries.
did Rye ever tell you about the fotune teller? the Chinese astrologer who told her that she shouldn't fall inlove before she turned 23? I never really believed in that stuff, but I do wonder if I've played the demon that was supposed to rise up from such behavior. She's 21 now, 2 years to go, I hope you guys make it.
so you've sent me 6 or 7 e-mails in the last half hour or so, telling me to kill myself, insulting me, begging me to write you. You know I read the first few as they came in, while I've been writing this, and they really hurt, honestly made my heart beat fast, made my hands shake, all that stuff. The middle batch lost their bite, I guess I felt a kind of immunity at that point you just saying the same things over nd over. the last couple though, they've just made me laugh, not laughing at you, again like I said I understand attacking me, it's not ridiculous or crazy, it's normal, and I accept it.
I laughed because I suddenly realized it wasn't effecting me. I finally got that all those words no longer hurt like they would have just a few months ago, You said you were having sex while I was calling Rye, crying on the phone, man that sucks, that really hurts, but it's not that bad. You tell me you went to qing chen shan? man that was a really important place for me and Rye, it was the first time I knew I really loved her, and it really sucks that she took you there, but it's not killing me, it's not hurting me anymore, it's not great, but it is just fine, and to be fine with that, to be ok with all these things that you're telling me, it's the surest sign that I've ever had that I'm truly moving past this, that I won't have my life defined by what happened with me and Rye, and that's the best I've felt in a very long time. For that I want to thank you, I know it wasn't your intention, but I do want to say thank you, not sarcastically, not because I want to get a rise out of you, but because honestly I believe that you have helped me more than anyone else could have. you've played an integral part in me becoming a caring confident man again.
I meant it what I said before, I do hope you and Rye can be happy, Rye deserves to be happy after what I've put her through. And again I want to say she is welcome to contact me any time she wants, not because I need to talk with her, but because if I banish her from my life I know I'll never be able to hold on to peace. I can't stand the idea that there is anyone out there that I refuse entry into my life.
if you continue to send me messages I'll read them probably at first, but if the content doesn't change I'll probably just start deleting them, they become boring if they never change, I could block you and block rye, but like I said, I'm not interested in kicking people out of my life.
May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you have peace, may you feel loved
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